Connection and Transaction

Two Writers, One Question

Can connection exist within a transaction? In an unexpected collaborative discussion through personal essay, I, along with Søren Vale of Felt Truths, explore the answer to this query. You can subscribe to Felt Truths directly below.

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As a former sex worker, specifically as a former in person, full-service sex worker— escort, call-girl, prostitute, hooker, 304, by whatever name you refer to the world’s oldest profession, that was me. I have worked all over North America, meeting clients from all over the world, from many walks of life, making a plethora of connections of a transactional nature but, what I came to realize through this profession is that here is no other kind of connection: all connection is transactional.

Connection and transaction are mutually dependent. I can already hear you balk at the proposition. Allow someone like me, versed in transactional connection to illuminate for you the fact that there is no other kind of connection. Doctors, lawyers, nurses, friends and lovers alike give connection at a cost and while the cost isn’t always monetary, it often is.

Let’s define transaction: noun trans· ac· tion tran-ˈzak-shən

1

a: something transacted especially : an exchange or transfer of goods, services, or funds electronic transactions

b: transactions plural : the often published record of the meeting of a society or association

2

a: an act, process, or instance of transacting

b: a communicative action or activity involving two parties or things that reciprocally affect or influence each other

While we often associate the word transaction or transactional with monetary exchange, when we dive deeper into the the definition of the word, we come to find that to transact is a communicative action or activity involving two parties or things that reciprocally affect or influence each other. By these terms, all of life is transactional, especially when we focus on the reciprocal affect or influence on each other. Isn’t that truly the essence of connection? Reciprocal affection.

Presence, attention and time. These are the main ingredients in connection. The currency of connection. These are some of the most costly investments one can make into another person in hopes of connection. If you are present, attentive and giving of your time, there is almost no arena where you can’t excel— except perhaps within personal connection. It is not an if this then this sum, unfortunately. If you have someone who is willing to provide you with presence, attention and time, hold on to them. These things, while they have no explicit monetary value, are very costly. As a former escort, these were the primary wares that I sold. Did I sell sex? Yes, but rarely. What I really sold were presence, attention and time.

Funnily enough, one of my website taglines back when meetaili.com was for illicit services and not placeholder for my current work as a writer that it is today, was “Give yourself the ultimate indulgence: time”. The indulgence was never about me per se. Something that I believe made my marketing so potent. I realized early on that the rate people paid was directly proportional to how the client viewed themselves, not at all how the client viewed me. All you had to do was believe you were worthy of receiving the things we crave most deeply: presence, attention, and time. The transaction began there.

Even platonic and casual intimacy involves exchange— whether that exchange be of your energy or your finances, your investment level is always at your discretion. The more you crave connection, the larger your budget becomes for investment. Even in these platonic instances, finances are often involved. You can’t connect with your best friend who is getting married as her maid of honor without a significant investment in presence, attention, time and your bank account. There are countless articles written about friends and family going into debt to literally pay tribute to their connection with their newlywed brides.

The escort perspective: from both my own experience and customer feedback— paid connection still feels good.

In my own personal experiences with dating, I have often found it to be quite convoluted. It’s difficult, it seems, for people to be upfront about what they want— regardless of gender, sexual orientation or relationship style. When I was polyamorous, I often found it difficult to get the level of investment that I desired in potential partner’s presence, attention and time— ranging somewhere from too much to not enough. With escorting, I always felt the expectations were far more clarified. We would meet for a predetermined amount of time, at a predetermined place with the predetermined overreaching idea that we both would have a good time. A mutually beneficial transaction where connection is the main purpose.

If you went to a bar and picked someone up, you would have less context and understanding of the type of connection that you will have than when you pick an escort from an ad. Escorts provide a personal brand and help cultivate the fantasy that you seek, typically putting the fantasy within a specific mood, genre or wheelhouse. Yes, hookers have genre but, that’s a topic for another time completely. With the ability to create a parasocial relationship with your escort (as the advent of the internet has made much more possible and commonplace) you will be able to create familiarity, excitement and yes, these are all foundations for connection.

I almost wrote connection, true connection but, writing that feels a bit like an oxymoron. If I am connecting with someone, there isn’t a fake connection to be had— if it were, I likely wouldn’t feel as though I am connecting. Although, connection can be one-sided— one-sided in the fact that just because you want to connect with someone or have invested presence, attention and time, in real life, connection isn’t garunteed. Nothing in life is guaranteed, least of all the ability to connect with out an investment. The currency of connection can come in many forms, it just depends on how you’d like to pay the bill.

I think that this question about connection and transaction is doing the footwork for a larger question about the hierarchy of connection. That for some reason a “natural” or “organic” connection is somehow better than one of a transactional nature. I don’t believe that natural or organic connections form. without investment of presence, attention and time— the currency of connection, there would be next to no connections made. Outside of symbiosis, there aren’t very many so-called natural connections.

Anyone with a lifelong best friend can tell you that the connection is far from natural, one might even call it supernatural. Against all odds, all challenges you decided to continue to invest in someone, some random person that you met one day and said, “I’ll keep you”. Are the connections that we make outside of renumeration truly better than the ones we pay to have? If you became friends with your yoga instructor after being a patron of their yoga studio and classes would your friendship somehow be less than because you paid to be in the space that allowed your friendship to be facilitated?

Why is sex work the only arena where transactional is a dirty word. We happily invest in the transaction of para-social relationships with strangers on the internet, investing our presence, attention and time in the form of internet views which in turn brings them a financial benefit. Your very presence, attention and time turning into money in your favorite influencers bank account but, when it’s done for sex or other intimate purposes we balk—why?

I could go on with hypothetical instances about where our connections are found and the currency that goes into fostering said connections. Of course, your yoga instructor likely doesn’t expect students to show up with ulterior motives. But people do this all the time with sex workers and adult creators. Whether in person or online, they build entire narratives around us—fantasies of effortless intimacy, hyper-availability, and emotional labor with no cost. I recently read an article highlighting this topic following the release of a much awaited sex worker content collaboration featuring Ari Kystsya x Girthmaster. A collaboration that was teased and promoted and fell short of fans expectations because Ari seemed nervous and uncomfortable— something I think is perfectly normal for a person being filmed having sex with someone you just met one hour before. Even as a former prostitute this sounds difficult; if I was uncomfortable I didn’t have to continue the booking and I most certainly never had to be filmed.

Without any investment into the currency of connection, the “collaboration” fell short. This is the paradox that plagues the industry: clients, followers, and fans fall in love with the persona—one that presents as endlessly desirable, accommodating, and most of all, without needs. The moment that illusion fractures—when the provider asserts a boundary, reveals a human moment, or simply deviates from the unspoken fantasy—the fault lies with her. She broke the spell. Even in parasocial spaces, people are paying. With their attention, their time, their clicks. The exchange is real—they just want to pretend it isn't. Even Girthmaster’s lack of investment into the collaboration goes un-chided, the only one responsible for making the “connection” appear more real is Ari. But when connection feels good, it’s easy to forget that it’s still being bought. The only difference is whether or not we’re honest about the price.

I do not believe in the hierarchy of connection. In fact, in many way I have found my client connection to be some of the most honest interactions of my adult life. People who are willing to say what they want and pay to get it. People who are willing to scrutinize themselves, the status quo and stigma surrounding sex work both those who provide it and those who consume it alike. People who are willing to cross the line and take on the male loneliness epidemic for themselves, without blaming others or lashing out violently, those who are softening into a warm embrace the only way they are able to, by paying for it. Transaction is not the opposite of connection, it’s synonymous. It’s the structure that makes connection possible. What really matters is the honesty with which we enter the exchange.

All men pay for it. All men aspire to be able to pay for it. To afford a high maintenance woman, a trophy wife. Why do we even have that term if not for all the men who aspire to pay for it. When a man is “desirable” can we even separate the currency that he brings to a relationship? Whether it be social currency, professional currency or the actual financial currency that is proffered from having both kinds of currency— desirable men are paying for the women who desire them. Presence, attention and time are invested into crafting a persona and an investment portfolio to make men desirable mates. Is this to be considered the most “natural” or “organic” way to foster connection?

All connection is facilitated through transaction.

The question is: how do you want to pay?